• J Dub

Chaos Pays Dividends

Updated: Sep 17

Chaos pays dividends.

Don’t believe me?

Most people would agree that there’s something wrong with the world today. I prefer not to camp out on the human condition, because I find that it gives power to misery. Yet the failure to examine our motivations is chaos itself.

But the chaos that helps to create this situation has benefits, and each of us are guilty of reaping those benefits while claiming to wish for a better life.

Let me explain:

I was raised to believe that Murphy’s Law would always prevail. My parents, like many, taught a sadistic non-reality that our feelings were the enemy, and that hard work was Jesus. We needed to suck it up and make it on our own at any cost. People who struggled with these "facts" were evil, selfish, and lazy.

This one size fits all mentality was a source of great comfort to my parents(who seemed to place zero contemplation on what constituted work of value). The quest to find one's purpose was practically avoided; like any other form of exploration. Not surprisingly, the chaos of fear demanded certainty, and our life's quest was to ignore our feelings and instincts to settle for a lesser common denominator, independence. Which would enable us to have children of our own to be ungrateful for.

The emotional impact was steep, because, if only subconsciously, we received the message of chaos from our parents: "We don't want you. You are on your own."

In our household, the real issue was the total absence of positive reinforcement or validation. Everyone was EXPECTED to do their part, and any and all communication had to do with the negative side, if any feedback was given. I remember how my Mom used to yell at my Dad when he was driving. She would shout, "Watch it Dean!" if she thought he didn't see a particular situation that scared her. When we arrived, she never thanked him for driving.

Chaos leaves no good deed unpunished. It was only recently that I realized, the only time my mother ever said, "I love you" was if I said it first. I was always the leader, or the adult emotionally, and I was completely left hanging if I had needs of my own.

This is exactly the state of economics perpetuated in the ghettos of America: Every human for themselves. Those of us who succumb to and are changed by this belief become part of the chaos that eats away at our purpose and the very fabric of society: the lie that we are alone.

When I was young, my feelings would run away and take me with them. I was prone to tantrums that I could barely understand. But particularly, I needed rescuing from a catch 22: my mother teaching me that I was on my own while demanding acts of service. She would receive, without question, our obedience, while rejecting us emotionally.

I carried this state of economics into my reality, rejecting myself and my work BECAUSE I was an artist. Because the economics of chaos decry the value of the intangible, and because the very idea of quality is reduced to binary.

I embraced an apathy that fit the meaninglessness of my situation. Chaos was paying me to be wild and careless. I would shrug in the face of doom. Compared to the fearfulness of my mother; compared to the way that she only opened her mouth to voice fear or criticism, such behavior felt like wealth.

I had never been taught that I have value, just for existing. The cosmology of the universe has taught me that you and I have value. Just as we are; and it doesn't have to be earned. You are worthy to create anything that you desire. There is a game of chaos that will try to teach you differently, but it can only defeat us if we believe it and allow it to be true.

Real strength comes from unity. It also comes from within, but a person insistent upon their own independence will be unlikely to give it to themselves. COVID has, in a way, taught me to be my own housewife. To be the restorer and healer of the one who transcends the world of chaos. It is a feminine power, restorative, and in touch with nature.

Sit down and decide to be a pop star, and just the act of making your schedule to create your music and visual media will involve literally swarms of people. Hard work is again valued, but not worshiped as a false god. Rather, emotional sensitivity and relatability become equity alongside and indivisible from the work.

Make an album with little to no budget, and it will fail. Your team will be disgruntled, and having no skin in the game (i.e. investment risk), you will be eternally dissatisfied with the results. That is truth of the cosmology of the universe: that greatness is delegated and coordinated among carefully chosen professionals, and that such a team is worthy of abundance.

You cannot have greatness without trust. Ask any Olympian. The greatest among us achieve themselves by standing on the shoulders of giants. It is a simple fact of the universal cosmology that also happens to breed humility.

There is a lie in the world of parenting that if you force your children to “make it on their own,” they will be stronger. This teaching is born of chaos, and pays great dividends to those who believe it. Unfortunately, these dividends come at the expense of the children, and strain on the parents' relationship to them.

The reality of our cosmology on Earth is that anything done by force will surely fail.

Harmonization is the key to relationship. It means sitting with someone when they’re hurting. It means giving a team member a pass for the day when chaos is strangling them. It means that we decide from our sensitivity, in the moment, what action is best. Pre ordained policies and procedures are effective for duplicatable processes, but the economics of harmonization and doing things with a sensitivity is the reason we were born human. Some moments will be awkward or uncomfortable, because processing feelings takes time, and requires real focus. Those who take their cue from chaos are free to avoid this incredible destiny, but any artist worth their salt will never settle for such an existence.

Today I examine myself. How much of my music/performing/producing comes from the chaotic influence of a mother who wouldn’t acknowledge my need to belong? What seeds of chaos lurk underneath my motivations, after a lifetime of fulfilling her endless wishes while being rejected emotionally? What sort of cynicism is driving me after a lifetime of being the adult in a relationship with a child who was supposed to be my elder? How long will I have to reject her in order to reclaim myself?

As a people-pleaser drawn to harmonization, this is sometimes the most difficult confrontation: to dethrone the naivety that keeps us in relationship with persons who take much more than they give. Such individuals are always rewarding and punishing, and their actions mock the very idea of unconditional love.

And as a child, I made a promise to myself, that I was going to “help Mommy,” so that one day I would receive the kind of love that my feelings craved. Perhaps we buy most into chaos when we arrange to struggle against it, rather than examining our motivations in a quest to purify our existence.

Today, looking at what it’s going to take to release my new album this fall, I release the past. I release 42 years of putting out love, putting out song, putting out positive reinforcement to individuals who can’t acknowledge my value. This is a new day. This is intentional. This is love.


27 July 2021





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